


The Tale of the Problem Customer

by GuiltyRed



Category: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: AU - Turks work fast food, Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-28
Updated: 2009-12-28
Packaged: 2017-10-05 09:59:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/40453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GuiltyRed/pseuds/GuiltyRed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Reno and Elena face adversity and Tseng earns his managerial wings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Tale of the Problem Customer

**Author's Note:**

> Title: The Tale of the Problem Customer  
> Rating: PG  
> Warnings: Crack – and high cholesterol levels.  
> Word count: 855  
> Prompt: Final Fantasy VII, Rufus &amp; Turks: crackfic and/or AU - Shinra does McDonalds  
> Summary: In which Reno and Elena face adversity and Tseng earns his managerial wings.  
> A/N: Dedicated to everyone who has ever wanted to strangle the living shit out of a badly-behaved customer.

The annoying chirp of the drive-thru alarm made Reno flinch and nearly drop the bag of fries into the cooker – bag and all. Recovering with some effort, he set the bag down on the counter and glanced at the monitor screen. “Holy hell, it’s THAT guy!” Reno looked around to see if anyone was watching, then casually reached down and popped the battery out of his belt-pack radio. “Darn, comm’s out. ‘Lena, would you get the drive-thru for me?”

Elena sighed. “I don’t know why Tseng even bothers putting you over there.” As the fake-doorbell-sounding alarm chimed again, she reached for the intercom, then froze, her eyes staring at the screen. “Oh no! I’m _not_ talking to _him_ again!”

“What’s the problem?”

Elena jumped, then greeted Tseng with a despairing look. “It’s Reno’s favorite customer, sir.”

“And he bailed on you.”

“Yes, sir.”

Tseng looked around, but the red-head was nowhere to be seen.

Outside, a long black limo cruised up to the service window, the shadowy driver bypassing to line up the passenger window. A foppish young blond man reached through and rapped smartly on the bullet-proof glass slider. “Hello?”

“Please, sir, don’t make me,” Elena begged. “I’d rather stick my hand in a vat of boiling oil than talk to that guy.”

Tseng rested a reassuring hand on the young woman’s blue-polo-clad shoulder. “All right. I’ll take care of this. You go find Reno – some kid upchucked in the ball pit again.”

As Elena hurried off on her mission, Tseng braced himself and approached the window. Not having a radio headset – or more precisely, not having one since Reno dropped the spare in the soft-serve ice cream machine – Tseng opened the window and offered the blond man a game smile. “Welcome to McBurgerWorld, may I take your order?”

The customer grinned happily. “Wow, you’re even hotter than the red-haired guy!”

Tseng cleared his throat. “Would you like to try our special double-decker McWhopping meal? It comes with Ridiculous Size Fries and a fried pie.”

“Sure, I’ll buy one – hell, I’ll buy ten! But only if you sing the jingle.”

Tseng closed his eyes a moment, the better to imagine stringing Reno up by his headset cable. “That’s not my job.”

The guy leaned out of his window, his expression now predatory. “It’s _someone’s_ job. Where’s that other guy, or the blond chick? _They’ll_ do it. They _love_ that song.”

An alarm sounded somewhere behind Tseng, indicating either that the Kiddie’s Play Range had exploded or the fries were done. Hoping for the first as it would mean a longer delay before having to deal with the pompous twat at the drive-thru, Tseng murmured, “Pardon me one moment, I’ll be right back,” then shut the window.

Elena had already silenced the buzzer and rescued the fries; this didn’t stop Tseng from hiding back by the fryers, out of line-of-sight of the drive-thru. “Where’s Reno?” he asked frantically.

“Cleaning up half-digested fries,” Elena replied. “Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to put a Sit-n-Spin in the Play Range…”

“Where’s Rude?”

“Moonlighting.”

Tseng ground his teeth viciously. “He wants me to sing the jingle.”

“I know, sir. It’s always the same. That’s why Reno and I hate that dude.”

Tseng looked at her beseechingly. “Are you sure you won’t –”

She glowered back, folding her arms across her chest. “He always says he can’t hear me unless I lean out the window. _Way_ out.”

“Oh. That’s…” Tseng tore his gaze away from her bosom. “That’s just not right.”

A firm knocking came from the window.

“All right. I’ll deal with this,” Tseng stated, turning and striding back to his post. He opened the window and glared. “Sir, I understand you’ve been harassing my staff. I can’t allow that to continue – either behave yourself, or go eat somewhere else.” Having said his piece, Tseng waited for the shitstorm.

Instead, the young blond man relaxed back into his seat and applauded. “Finally!” He took a gold coin out of his suit pocket and tossed it neatly through the drive-thru window. “You’ve got balls, sir. I like that in my managers. Here.” He pulled out a small wallet and flipped it open, drawing out a business card. “Call me. You can bring the other two if you think they have what it takes. Just make sure they know that _you’re_ the boss.”

Nonplussed, Tseng stared at the card and the coin, then back at the man in the limo. “I have no witty comeback to this.”

“The best managers know when to keep quiet.” The blond flipped a hand through his hair, then rolled up his window. Sleek and silent, the limousine pulled away into the night.

“What just happened?” Elena asked.

“I’m not sure,” Tseng replied honestly, “but I think we may be turning in our paper hats…”

“Aw,” Reno whined, rolling the mop bucket to the back of the store. “I like those hats!”

_You can bring the other two if you think they have what it takes… _Tseng considered this for several seconds before saying, “Okay, I’ll let you keep the hat. But lose the mop.”


End file.
